Before I get into the box, there is a part of this story that you don’t know. I emailed Stitch Fix customer service before I scheduled this box. After box one and box two were both so far off the mark of what I had asked for and expected, I requested some help. I gave some suggestions of stores that I like (Boden USA, Modcloth, J Crew), and I explained once again that I like color and pattern in natural fabrics. Customer service was really sweet, but basically just said to give it time and that my stylist would figure me out. It wasn’t the answer I was hoping for (I really hoped that they would offer to match me with a stylist known to have more of a vintage aesthetic), but I decided to go ahead and order another box.

This was my request: “This time I would like dresses and/or skirts. Think Zooey Deschanel. Maybe a cardigan? Nothing too drape-y. Everything must be work appropriate (conservative charter school). Please try to send me clothes that are long enough. Thanks!”

I pinned and pinned. My pinterest board was full of fun patterned fit-and-flare dresses in colorful fabrics, full skirts with structured waistbands, and a few cardigans.

You know what I didn’t ask for? Tops. I hate tops made of synthetic fabrics. Hate them. I don’t have a single one in my closet. Most Stitch Fix tops seem to be polyester or rayon.

That’s okay, though, because I don’t need their tops. I have found a few patterns that I use to make shirts in fun fabrics that fit me well and are long enough.

I’m sure you know where this is headed, but guess what I got in my box this time? One dress. One skirt. One cardigan. TWO TOPS. Guess what else? Everything in my box was synthetic fabrics.

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Pixley Dexter Faux Wrap Dress, Size M, Purple ($68)

This dress adds ten pounds to my frame, and ten years to my age. The fabric bunches, the length is too short, and the top half of the wrap is open, which means my bra would be on display if it weren’t for the tank top.

Do you see how incredibly unflattering this is? It’s like I’m wearing purple elephant skin. Verdict: Returned

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Market and Spruce Olivia Printed A-line Skirt, Size M, Navy ($44)

At first glance, this skirt isn’t awful. The length is decent, and I like the waistband.

The fabric, though, is thin t-shirt jersey. It doesn’t hang well. You can see in the picture that the center of the chevron starts right at my belly button, but by the time it gets to the bottom of the skirt, it is pointing at my knee.

It’s weird. Can you tell? Verdict: Returned

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Skies Are Blue Lyley Embroidered Yoke Knit Top, Size S, Coral ($58)

This top is the worst thing I have put on my body in a very, very long time. It reminds me of the tops we used to wear to the club in the late 90s – bad, weird, bouncy rayon that clings to every single bump. It’s about five inches shorter than I like my tops to be. It’s a wrinkled mess. It makes me look wider than I am, with a much smaller chest. How did you do that, magic ugly top? Too bad it wasn’t the other way around; you’d be in my closet.

Sixty dollars? There’s no way. Verdict: Returned

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Skies Are Blue Cyrus Button Front Mixed Material Cardigan, Size S, Blue ($54)

This is another piece that isn’t too bad at first glance. I like the floral pattern, a lot, and I often wear button up cardigan sweaters.

This one, though, has so much wrong with it. It’s too wide, too boxy, and it is made out of this weird thin polyester fabric. The fabric reminds me of a cheap dress off the sale rack at Ross.

I don’t think you can truly tell from the picture just how bad this fabric is. Verdict: Returned

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Colette Agather Printed Halter Knit Top, Size S, Navy ($48)

This shirt was was the best of the bad. It is seriously the perfect length, and I could not love the little hearts more, but there are two major things wrong with it. One, it is rayon. Not going to lie – I might have dealt with the fabric content, since it fits so well and the fabric is precious, but problem number two is that it is a halter top.

When I scheduled my fix (and didn’t request any tops, remember) I specifically said that I needed work-appropriate clothes, and that I work at a conservative charter school. On what planet is this conservative work attire?  Not the one I inhabit, that’s for sure. That is my bra strap you see in the picture. Verdict: Returned

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Final Thoughts: If you’re keeping score, you’ll realize at this point that I sacrificed my $20 styling fee and returned it all.

I think I am finished with Stitch Fix. I did some research the other day trying to see a behind-the-scenes look at a fix, and I was disappointed to learn that at least some, if not most, of the stylist work from home. I had this fairy tale vision of them all in a high rise somewhere, surrounded by beautiful clothes. What I did not picture is someone picking out my clothes while sitting on her couch in her pajamas.

I realized that I don’t have to pay $20 for someone to do something that I can do myself.

So I did. From my couch. In my pajamas. I went on Amazon and Zappos, and found the two pairs of Liverpool pants I had asked for, but not received, in my last fix. On Zappos, I also got a pair of Kut from the Kloth Diana cords that a lot of people get in their fixes. I love all three of my new pairs of pants. I am wearing the Liverpool tattersall pair right now.

How cute are these? I bid you adieu, Stitch Fix. It’s been fun, but I am moving on.

Until next time.